There is a voice in my head, and it screams. Day and night it screams. No words, just a voiceless outcry of I know not what. This scream will even invade my body at times (the frequency is increasing), turning me into a jumble of restless nerves. It comes without warning; it is suddenly just there and my body revolts at the surge of negative energy.
When this happens I feel like I have been split in two. One me is on the floor banging her head against the tables and walls, screaming for mercy. The other me, the me that is “here”, is as silent and numb as always. I don’t know which me is real at these times. Maybe they both are. Maybe I really am split in two when the scream descends into my body.
More often than not though, the scream remains in my head. It’s become a sort of resident now, a renter who doesn’t pay their rent. While I’ve come to expect the scream first thing in the morning as I wake it is no less daunting to know that something, or another part of me, is either so enraged or so in pain that it feels it needs to keep up this endless screaming.
What part of my life exactly do I need to change in order for the screaming to stop? Or is it an aspect of my personality that needs to change? Or the question I don’t like to ask: Is there even a way to make the screaming stop?