The Fear of Getting Better

I fear the day I’m able to function without the help of someone else. I fear the day it will be expected of me to pay bills, go to my job, and pay my taxes. I have never been well enough for any of these activities and more. And while I could learn how to do them there will still be a disconnect knowing what I know. That I’ve never really had the chance to be an adult despite my age. That I’ve never really been trusted on my own because of fears that I might hurt myself. I’ve never lived what others would consider a “life”. That opportunity was stolen from me by my illness.

What is it like to be “well”. To be able to go out in society and mingle and thrive and inspire? What is it like? I want to know while not wanting to know. I am too afraid of the unknown. Too afraid that, being so behind, I won’t do any of it right. Too afraid of succeeding only to fall back into old ways. I want to get better, but I don’t, and this back and forth is only hindering my recovery.

I am so afraid of both succeeding and failing that I do nothing. I am aware that I need to change this cowardly behavior. But how? How do I make myself believe that the same network that is helping me now won’t abandon me in the future? How do I convince myself that it is okay to fail at something I’ve never done before? If and when I find my own personal answers to my insecurities, I hope they will be enough to push me through.

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